I had a very sad conversation with my husband this morning. In fact, I can barely type this without crying. Even though this is very personal to me I felt that I needed to share my feelings about it with you because I know there are others going through some of the very same things that I am.
For what seems like the hundredth time over the last few years, I asked my husband why there is so much distance between us? Basically, why are we just going through the motions? There is no connection other than the kids. As I shared in a previous blog, there was one day a couple of weeks ago that he and I spent together that gave me hope, but since then there has been nothing, not even a glance.
My husband answered me in a defensive way. He said that I am always negative and that I am never feeling good. There were other reasons as well but they fell under the category of the two. As he answered I had to keep asking him to look at me rather then the wall. I felt betrayed by his answers. Just recently I had confided in him that I was having a rough time with the way I had been feeling. I had told him that I was struggling with not feeling well on a daily basis and how I was feeling about my general outlook. That day I felt like I had just spilled my darkest secrets to someone who wasn't listening to a word a I had said. I don't even recall a response from him. So hearing him use my not feeling well and my negativity as a reason for his distance hurt me deep to my core. I had reached out to him asking him for help, telling him that I wanted to be better and instead he was using my weaknesses against me.
I am feeling bitter about what he has said about me never feeling well. I'm tired of it as well and if I could change it I would in a heart beat. He is supposed to be my life partner and he would rather not hear about it than deal with it. In all the years that I have had the disease Chiari, he has gone to 1 if 2 appointments with me. I can't even be sure if he understands what I have or what I am going through. I have never felt he has been an advocate for me in any sense of the word. He feels that he has, but his idea of that is getting me medication or an ice pack. Although I do appreciate that, what I need from him goes so much deeper.
My husband is right when he says that I am more negative. I am especially more negative when it comes to him, now more then ever. I have worked really hard at keeping our marriage together through the years but I have grown tired. I feel like I have been carrying the load for years and it has finally caught up with me. In the past I have kept a positive face and now I'm blunt and realistic. My husband obviously does not prefer that side of me.
Today our conversation got cut short, although I'm not sure there was anything more to say. What makes me really sad is that I feel that even if I felt better or acted more positive, I don't think things would be better for us. I am heartbroken - but heartbroken only because we never seem to be able to get over this hump. There always seems to be something in the way of our happiness. As I've gotten older I've come to believe that if you wanted to be happy you would make it happen, so I question why it isn't happening for us? Does not both of us want the same?
I know when our marriage started its demise...... it was when I left my income earning career to be an at-home mother 8 years ago. I will go to my grave believing that no matter what my husband proclaims. Even though it was a decision we both made, that is when everything changed between us.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I can only hope for a happy ending, but history tells me it will either be more of the same or life in a knew direction.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Chiari is not my friend, yet
I have a Chiari Malformation Type 1. You may have never heard of it. I know that I had no clue what it was when my doctor called me and diagnosed me with it. An MRI showed an abnormality of the cerebral tonsils, part of the cerebellum of my brain. I understood her to say that there was part of my brain that was sticking out of the opening of my skull. I'm sure that was not what my doctor really said but that is how I interpreted it at the time. I remember thinking "great, now I have to tell my husband that I'm a freak of nature!". I was in shock. My doctor was going to set up an appointment with a neurosurgeon for a consult. Of course I looked up every everything I could find about Chiari and became my own advocate. I had plenty of time on my hands to educate myself and plan for the what ifs. I had to wait 4 weeks to get in which felt like an eternity. My crisis wasn't any bit more important than anyone elses. I had been waiting for ten years to be diagnosed. I had been suffering with chronic headaches for what seemed to be a lifetime. In recent years I had developed vertigo, left sided body weakness, tingling and pain. I had severe hip and leg pain. I was seeing flashing colors and seeing objects coming at me that weren't even there. The last straw for me was when I blacked out while I was with my two children. After that I set out on a mission to find out what was wrong with me. I had seen doctors before but all of my tests including neuro exams were unremarkable. The MRIs shown an area deep in the brain that concerned the radiologist but in the end was diagnosed as being just space. Nothing apparently was wrong with me and the sometimes disabling pain that I was experiencing must have been all in my head - (literally as I came to find out later on).
Chiari malformation is a condition in which brain tissue protrudes into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small or misshapen, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward. Chiari malformation is uncommon, but improved imaging tests have led to more frequent diagnoses. The adult form, called Chiari malformation type I, develops as the skull and brain are growing. As a result, signs and symptoms may not occur until late childhood or adulthood. Treatment of Chiari malformation depends on the form, severity and associated symptoms. Regular monitoring, medications and surgery are treatment options. In some cases, no treatment is needed. Headaches, often severe, are the classic symptom of Chiari malformation. They're typically precipitated with sudden coughing, sneezing or straining. People with Chiari malformation type I also can experience:
Neck pain (running down the shoulders at times)
Unsteady gait (problems with balance)
Poor hand coordination (fine motor skills)
Numbness and tingling of the hands and feet
Dizziness
Difficulty swallowing (sometimes accompanied by gagging, choking and vomiting)
Vision problems (blurred or double vision)
Slurred speech
Less often, people with Chiari malformation may experience:
Ringing or buzzing in the ears (tinnitus)
Poor bladder control
Chest pain, in a band-like pattern around the chest
Curvature of the spine (scoliosis) related to spinal cord impairment
Abnormal breathing — specifically, sleep apnea characterized by periods of breathing cessation during sleep In some people, Chiari malformation can become a progressive disorder and lead to serious complications. In others, there may be no associated symptoms, and no intervention is necessary. The complications associated with this condition include:
Hydrocephalus. This accumulation of excess fluid within the brain may require placement of a flexible tube (shunt) to divert and drain the cerebrospinal fluid to another area of the body.
Paralysis. This may occur due to the crowding and pressure on the spinal cord. Paralysis tends to be permanent, even after treatment with surgery. Syringomyelia. Some people with Chiari malformation also develop a condition called syringomyelia, in which a cavity or cyst (syrinx) forms within the spinal column. Although the mechanism connecting Chiari malformation with syringomyelia is unclear, it may be associated with injury or displacement of nerve fibers in the spinal cord. When a cavity forms, it tends to be filled with fluid and can additionally impair the function of the spinal cord. The diagnostic process begins with your doctor taking your medical history and with a complete physical examination. Your doctor will ask whether you're having symptoms such as head and neck pain, and will ask you to describe them. He or she will also check your fine motor skills and swallowing ability.
If you have symptoms such as head pain, and the exact cause isn't apparent to your doctor, you'll likely undergo a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan of your skull, which is the definitive diagnostic tool for Chiari malformation. Using magnetic fields and radio waves, this test produces 3-D, high-resolution images of structural abnormalities that may be contributing to your symptoms. It can also provide pictures of the cerebellum and determine whether it extends into the spinal canal. A dye or contrast medium can be injected, and once it travels to your brain, it can enhance the MRI images. An MRI is a safe and painless test. Over time, repeat MRIs can be used to monitor the progression of this disorder. Your doctor may use other imaging techniques as well. For example, your doctor may recommend a computerized tomography (CT) scan, which uses X-rays in conjunction with a computer to produce precise, sectional images of the bone tissue that surrounds the spinal column.Treatment for Chiari malformation depends on the severity and the characteristics of your condition. If you have no symptoms, your doctor likely will recommend no treatment other than monitoring with regular examinations. When headaches or other types of pain are the primary symptom, your doctor may recommend pain medication. Some people experience symptom relief with anti-inflammatory or pain-relieving agents, such as indomethacin (Indocin). This approach may prevent or delay the need for an operation. Reducing pressure by surgerySurgery is the approach doctors use most often to treat symptomatic Chiari malformation. The goal is to stop the progression of changes in the anatomy of the brain and spinal canal, as well as ease or stabilize symptoms. When successful, surgery can reduce pressure on the cerebellum and the spinal cord, and restore the normal flow of spinal fluid. In the most common operation for Chiari malformation — called posterior fossa craniectomy or posterior fossa decompression — your surgeon removes a small section of bone in the back of the skull, relieving pressure by giving the brain more room. The covering of the brain, called the dura, is then opened, and a patch is sewn in place to enlarge the covering and provide more room for the brain. This patch may be an artificial material, or it could be tissue harvested from your own leg or neck. The exact technique may vary, depending on whether a fluid-filled cavity is present, or if you have hydrocephalus. The operation takes about two to three hours, and recovery in the hospital usually requires two to four days. Risks and follow-upThe use of surgery carries risks — the possibility of infection or problems with wound healing. Discuss the pros and cons with your doctor when deciding whether surgery is the best alternative for you. The operation reduces symptoms in most people, but if nerve injury in the spinal canal has already occurred prior to surgery, this procedure won't reverse the damage. After the operation, you'll need regular follow-up examinations with your doctor, including periodic imaging tests to assess the outcome of surgery and the flow of cerebrospinal fluid. Information provided by www.mayoclinic.com
I went to my neuro consult educated about my condition, with a list of questions and most importantly with a support person. My neurosurgeon, whom I ended up respecting, was upfront with me and told me that I only had a 50% chance of resolving my symptoms with the surgery. After much contemplation I chose sugery because for me, it was a quality of life issue. When I blacked out while being a lone with my children, I knew that I had to try to be better. Before scheduling the surgery my Neurosugeon required a psych eval to make sure that I was a surgical candidate. He wanted to make sure that I was mentally compitent for a surgery of this calibar. Did I have a support system afterwards? If there were complications would I be able to handle it emotionally? At the time, I felt this was fairly odd but looking back I can appreciate why he required this. My suggestion to the Neurosurgeon now would be - require counseling post recovery which is much more of a challenge.
I thought I knew everything I needed to know going into surgery. I signed my life away and off I went. During the prep, the nurse did scare me a bit when she said that I may wake up at some point during the surgery. She said do not panic, that there would be gel over my eyes so that the tape holding them in wouldn't stick. She also said I would have goggles on. She said I would be in an upside down position and that I would have small metal rods in my temples, holding my head in place. I felt fear at that point...... count backwards 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 and then the surgery was over, 6 hours later. I woke up in ICU with the worst headache I had ever had in my life with a handsome male nurse changing my catheter. I didn't take the time I should have to recover. I had two little girls that depended on me. Due to financial restraints my husband didn't take any time off of work. My mother came as much as she could. I looked scary, half my head was shaved and I had a 5 inch insicion that ran from the top of my neck to the top of my occiput. I was stapled together and it didn't look pleasant to look at. The girls were afraid so it was my goal to be as normal, as possible as quick as possible.
As the months went by I felt better and better. Most of my symptoms were gone. At my post surgical visit, the Neurosurgeon said that the herniation was worse then the MRI had shown and that as soon as he decompressed the area it restored the flow of the cerebral spinal fluid. The cerebral tonsils were still herniated but the pressure had been released. The surgery had worked. 6 months later my headaches returned. An MRI showed no post complication of the surgery and that the area was still decompressed. The neurosurgeon said I was apparently now a migraine sufferer. Within 2 years post-op I had all the symptoms return except the black outs. 5years post op which brings me to today, I am the same as I was 2 years ago except I have new symptoms. I have trouble swallowing, I have devloped a twitching in my left eye and I have far more bad days then good. I have awful nausea and digestive issues that come and go without notice. The nausea is apparently the 4th venticle, the nausea center of the brain being affected by the pressure as a secondary issue from the Chiari. My post surgical neck is stiff and painful everyday. The muscles were cut during the surgery. There may be scar tissue that can cause the pain and or nerve pain. The neurosurgeon suggested building the muscles in the upper body to prevent further injury. He suggested Isometric ecercises for the neck and lap swimming for my upper arms and trap muscles. He also suggested always protecting my neck from the cold which would intensify my discomfort. The neurogurgeon suggested not doing anything that caused me pain and the tasks that I have to do so that it's comfortable. For example, while reading a book I have to hold it equal to my eyes so that my neck is not tilted down. He basically told me that I had to modify my life to live with what I have. He suggested I try to avoid another surgery in order to prevent more scar tissue which would only create more pain and nerve damage.
I see a neurologist every 3-4 months who monitors my chiari but mainly focuses on my daily headaches. He believes my Chiari is not an issue. He feels that I am a migraine sufferer and tells me that once a migraine sufferer, always a migraine sufferer. Finding the cause is likes like finding a needle in a haystack. Apparently it could be almost anything - once you have migraines anything can trigger them. When he told me this at my last appointment I immediately felt tears well up in my eyes and tingles in my stomach. I felt like he was telling me that I didn't know anything and that he was throwing me in a category of "catch alls". Frustration overwhelmed me because Chiari research shows that low lying cerebral tonsils itself cause symptoms. And that is where it stands today. I have tried to get into a Chiari Clinic but my HMO will not approve the testing required for the consult. So for now I have decided to take it one day at a time. The good thing is.... things could be so much worse. I have daily headaches but most days they are managbale. On the days they aren't I may have to shut down but I get through. There are days my neck feels so painful that I feel I can't carry my head on top of my head, but I'll get through it. My body hurts most days but I'll get through it. I don't feel sorry for myself....... I feel sad for my girls. Most days I don't feel like running around with them, or riding bikes, or even going anywhere. Until recently I haven't let them have friends over to our house because the noise just echos in my already painful head. They have had to pay the price for my pain and that makes me feel incredibly sad. Having Chiari has been life changing in many ways. I've decided that I have to find a way to make it into a positive experience. I can't let the pain defeat me. I have to find a way to make Chiari my close and personal friend. :)
Chiari malformation is a condition in which brain tissue protrudes into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small or misshapen, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward. Chiari malformation is uncommon, but improved imaging tests have led to more frequent diagnoses. The adult form, called Chiari malformation type I, develops as the skull and brain are growing. As a result, signs and symptoms may not occur until late childhood or adulthood. Treatment of Chiari malformation depends on the form, severity and associated symptoms. Regular monitoring, medications and surgery are treatment options. In some cases, no treatment is needed. Headaches, often severe, are the classic symptom of Chiari malformation. They're typically precipitated with sudden coughing, sneezing or straining. People with Chiari malformation type I also can experience:
Neck pain (running down the shoulders at times)
Unsteady gait (problems with balance)
Poor hand coordination (fine motor skills)
Numbness and tingling of the hands and feet
Dizziness
Difficulty swallowing (sometimes accompanied by gagging, choking and vomiting)
Vision problems (blurred or double vision)
Slurred speech
Less often, people with Chiari malformation may experience:
Ringing or buzzing in the ears (tinnitus)
Poor bladder control
Chest pain, in a band-like pattern around the chest
Curvature of the spine (scoliosis) related to spinal cord impairment
Abnormal breathing — specifically, sleep apnea characterized by periods of breathing cessation during sleep In some people, Chiari malformation can become a progressive disorder and lead to serious complications. In others, there may be no associated symptoms, and no intervention is necessary. The complications associated with this condition include:
Hydrocephalus. This accumulation of excess fluid within the brain may require placement of a flexible tube (shunt) to divert and drain the cerebrospinal fluid to another area of the body.
Paralysis. This may occur due to the crowding and pressure on the spinal cord. Paralysis tends to be permanent, even after treatment with surgery. Syringomyelia. Some people with Chiari malformation also develop a condition called syringomyelia, in which a cavity or cyst (syrinx) forms within the spinal column. Although the mechanism connecting Chiari malformation with syringomyelia is unclear, it may be associated with injury or displacement of nerve fibers in the spinal cord. When a cavity forms, it tends to be filled with fluid and can additionally impair the function of the spinal cord. The diagnostic process begins with your doctor taking your medical history and with a complete physical examination. Your doctor will ask whether you're having symptoms such as head and neck pain, and will ask you to describe them. He or she will also check your fine motor skills and swallowing ability.
If you have symptoms such as head pain, and the exact cause isn't apparent to your doctor, you'll likely undergo a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan of your skull, which is the definitive diagnostic tool for Chiari malformation. Using magnetic fields and radio waves, this test produces 3-D, high-resolution images of structural abnormalities that may be contributing to your symptoms. It can also provide pictures of the cerebellum and determine whether it extends into the spinal canal. A dye or contrast medium can be injected, and once it travels to your brain, it can enhance the MRI images. An MRI is a safe and painless test. Over time, repeat MRIs can be used to monitor the progression of this disorder. Your doctor may use other imaging techniques as well. For example, your doctor may recommend a computerized tomography (CT) scan, which uses X-rays in conjunction with a computer to produce precise, sectional images of the bone tissue that surrounds the spinal column.Treatment for Chiari malformation depends on the severity and the characteristics of your condition. If you have no symptoms, your doctor likely will recommend no treatment other than monitoring with regular examinations. When headaches or other types of pain are the primary symptom, your doctor may recommend pain medication. Some people experience symptom relief with anti-inflammatory or pain-relieving agents, such as indomethacin (Indocin). This approach may prevent or delay the need for an operation. Reducing pressure by surgerySurgery is the approach doctors use most often to treat symptomatic Chiari malformation. The goal is to stop the progression of changes in the anatomy of the brain and spinal canal, as well as ease or stabilize symptoms. When successful, surgery can reduce pressure on the cerebellum and the spinal cord, and restore the normal flow of spinal fluid. In the most common operation for Chiari malformation — called posterior fossa craniectomy or posterior fossa decompression — your surgeon removes a small section of bone in the back of the skull, relieving pressure by giving the brain more room. The covering of the brain, called the dura, is then opened, and a patch is sewn in place to enlarge the covering and provide more room for the brain. This patch may be an artificial material, or it could be tissue harvested from your own leg or neck. The exact technique may vary, depending on whether a fluid-filled cavity is present, or if you have hydrocephalus. The operation takes about two to three hours, and recovery in the hospital usually requires two to four days. Risks and follow-upThe use of surgery carries risks — the possibility of infection or problems with wound healing. Discuss the pros and cons with your doctor when deciding whether surgery is the best alternative for you. The operation reduces symptoms in most people, but if nerve injury in the spinal canal has already occurred prior to surgery, this procedure won't reverse the damage. After the operation, you'll need regular follow-up examinations with your doctor, including periodic imaging tests to assess the outcome of surgery and the flow of cerebrospinal fluid. Information provided by www.mayoclinic.com
I went to my neuro consult educated about my condition, with a list of questions and most importantly with a support person. My neurosurgeon, whom I ended up respecting, was upfront with me and told me that I only had a 50% chance of resolving my symptoms with the surgery. After much contemplation I chose sugery because for me, it was a quality of life issue. When I blacked out while being a lone with my children, I knew that I had to try to be better. Before scheduling the surgery my Neurosugeon required a psych eval to make sure that I was a surgical candidate. He wanted to make sure that I was mentally compitent for a surgery of this calibar. Did I have a support system afterwards? If there were complications would I be able to handle it emotionally? At the time, I felt this was fairly odd but looking back I can appreciate why he required this. My suggestion to the Neurosurgeon now would be - require counseling post recovery which is much more of a challenge.
I thought I knew everything I needed to know going into surgery. I signed my life away and off I went. During the prep, the nurse did scare me a bit when she said that I may wake up at some point during the surgery. She said do not panic, that there would be gel over my eyes so that the tape holding them in wouldn't stick. She also said I would have goggles on. She said I would be in an upside down position and that I would have small metal rods in my temples, holding my head in place. I felt fear at that point...... count backwards 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 and then the surgery was over, 6 hours later. I woke up in ICU with the worst headache I had ever had in my life with a handsome male nurse changing my catheter. I didn't take the time I should have to recover. I had two little girls that depended on me. Due to financial restraints my husband didn't take any time off of work. My mother came as much as she could. I looked scary, half my head was shaved and I had a 5 inch insicion that ran from the top of my neck to the top of my occiput. I was stapled together and it didn't look pleasant to look at. The girls were afraid so it was my goal to be as normal, as possible as quick as possible.
As the months went by I felt better and better. Most of my symptoms were gone. At my post surgical visit, the Neurosurgeon said that the herniation was worse then the MRI had shown and that as soon as he decompressed the area it restored the flow of the cerebral spinal fluid. The cerebral tonsils were still herniated but the pressure had been released. The surgery had worked. 6 months later my headaches returned. An MRI showed no post complication of the surgery and that the area was still decompressed. The neurosurgeon said I was apparently now a migraine sufferer. Within 2 years post-op I had all the symptoms return except the black outs. 5years post op which brings me to today, I am the same as I was 2 years ago except I have new symptoms. I have trouble swallowing, I have devloped a twitching in my left eye and I have far more bad days then good. I have awful nausea and digestive issues that come and go without notice. The nausea is apparently the 4th venticle, the nausea center of the brain being affected by the pressure as a secondary issue from the Chiari. My post surgical neck is stiff and painful everyday. The muscles were cut during the surgery. There may be scar tissue that can cause the pain and or nerve pain. The neurosurgeon suggested building the muscles in the upper body to prevent further injury. He suggested Isometric ecercises for the neck and lap swimming for my upper arms and trap muscles. He also suggested always protecting my neck from the cold which would intensify my discomfort. The neurogurgeon suggested not doing anything that caused me pain and the tasks that I have to do so that it's comfortable. For example, while reading a book I have to hold it equal to my eyes so that my neck is not tilted down. He basically told me that I had to modify my life to live with what I have. He suggested I try to avoid another surgery in order to prevent more scar tissue which would only create more pain and nerve damage.
I see a neurologist every 3-4 months who monitors my chiari but mainly focuses on my daily headaches. He believes my Chiari is not an issue. He feels that I am a migraine sufferer and tells me that once a migraine sufferer, always a migraine sufferer. Finding the cause is likes like finding a needle in a haystack. Apparently it could be almost anything - once you have migraines anything can trigger them. When he told me this at my last appointment I immediately felt tears well up in my eyes and tingles in my stomach. I felt like he was telling me that I didn't know anything and that he was throwing me in a category of "catch alls". Frustration overwhelmed me because Chiari research shows that low lying cerebral tonsils itself cause symptoms. And that is where it stands today. I have tried to get into a Chiari Clinic but my HMO will not approve the testing required for the consult. So for now I have decided to take it one day at a time. The good thing is.... things could be so much worse. I have daily headaches but most days they are managbale. On the days they aren't I may have to shut down but I get through. There are days my neck feels so painful that I feel I can't carry my head on top of my head, but I'll get through it. My body hurts most days but I'll get through it. I don't feel sorry for myself....... I feel sad for my girls. Most days I don't feel like running around with them, or riding bikes, or even going anywhere. Until recently I haven't let them have friends over to our house because the noise just echos in my already painful head. They have had to pay the price for my pain and that makes me feel incredibly sad. Having Chiari has been life changing in many ways. I've decided that I have to find a way to make it into a positive experience. I can't let the pain defeat me. I have to find a way to make Chiari my close and personal friend. :)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Me....
If you ask me a question, you will get an honest answer. It's very rare that I won't share with you things about my personal life. I am an open book. I don't think my husband accepts this about me, but it is who I am. As I have gotten older, I have realized that I rather you know the truth from me than another version of the truth from someone else.
I have strong opinions and I will share them with you as I have in these blogs. I am open to what you have to say. I try to have a sense of humor but I realize that not everyone else finds humor in what I have to do or say. I am misread often. My intentions are always good but because I may not always use the "right words" I may offend. For that I am sorry.
I see the goodness in you even if you don't see the goodness in yourself. If you need to know how special you are just ask me and I will tell you. I look for the goodness in all situations because I must. Life is a continual challenge and if I didn't look for goodness I wouldn't thrive. Please don't ask me to be fake or change the way I feel to accommodate you. If you do, you are asking me to be some one else other than myself. I will not ask that of you either. Respect me and I will respect you. Thank you for getting to know me.
Illana
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
If I were Teacher
* The objective of this blog is to point out the advantages and disadvantages of teaching from my perspective as a volunteer and a parent.
I have volunteered at a local elementary school over the years and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I truly believe that I missed my calling by not going to college to be a school teacher. I'm not sure how good of a teacher I would have been, but I think I could have been a better person being a teacher. I know that teachers teach children but I suspect that in return children teach the teacher in ways they never even imagined. Yes there are disadvantages. When I am finished at the end of my volunteer period, the first thing that I want to do is disinfect myself. In fact just today, a young person was coughing, sneezing and wiping his nose into his hand. I reminded and encouraged him to keep his little germs to himself, and even offered him a Kleenex. He just looked at me and said "NO" and went on with his business..... then without forewarning, this little person sneezed in my face. Before walking out of the classroom, I lathered myself in hand sanitizer and ran for the front door. Then there's the puke, the boogies, the smells and of course the worst of worse.....LICE. There are kids that you just look at and it makes your head itch. I may sound callous saying that but we all know that it's true. It's not their fault but lice is lice and if it it's you or one of your kids that get it, it's a job to get rid of it. Another disadvantage to being a teacher is not being able to offer help to the children who need it. How do you walk a way at the end of the day from children that you suspect are being abused or who aren't being fed or kept clean. How do you go home at the end of your day and live your life? How do you "let it go" when you know a child is being bullied and aren't being supported at home? How do you let children leave the school building in bad weather, not dressed properly, knowing they have no one to come home to? It would be very difficult for me not to get personally involved.
There is so much joy in watching a child learn to read, helping them understand a math concept and then watching them do it on their own. The excitement in their eyes once they see that they accomplished something is unexplainable. Listening to children teaching one another is yet another great joy. Seeing and hearing the children "fill each others bucket" as a teacher put it, is a sight to see. At the end of the day each child is asked to say 3 things nice to another student. You hear anything from "Your shoes are pretty" to "the way you hold your pencil is cool". No matter what the compliment is my observation is that the children are eager to fill each other's buckets.
There are classrooms full of amazing minds. Most often young children are still open minded and understand that life is full of possibilities. When asked questions, their answers are intelligent, creative and entertaining. They have an answer for everything. There never seems to be that awkward silence like you may get with a teen that feels fear of giving the "wrong answer". Younger children often answer in ways I forgot how to think.
There are things that I would change. It is sad to me that there are so many expectations of the teachers today. Not only expectations from parents but expectations from the local school boards, our State and our President. Teachers are forced to move from subject to subject whether children grasp concepts or not just to meet certain goals. Some times they revisit that subject and some times they do not. One of the goals is to prepare the students for standardized testing. Subjects that are not on the tests are often put on the back burner for "if we have time". Teachers also seem to be limited in their approach to teaching. Their style might vary a little from one to the next but over all how they teach seems to be consistent from grade to grade. There are three basic types of learning styles. The three most common are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. To learn, we depend on our senses to process the information around us. Most people tend to use one of their senses more than the others. How are today's teachers addressing each type of learner? If I were a teacher and had the ability to do things differently, I would incorporate sound, color and hands on experience to every subject. I personally think we are obligated to find out how these children learn and teach them accordingly. If we don't I feel we are doing them an injustice. Could this be why there are so many children falling below state standards in testing?
I would also provide exercise balls for the classroom. Recently, exercise balls have been replacing standard seating in classrooms in Europe and North America. What are the results?
Students enjoy sitting on them
Concentration improves
Excess energy is burned off
Students become more physically fit
Builds abs
Less noiseRead more: http://student-health-issues.suite101.com/article.cfm/no_more_classroom_chairs#ixzz0RwksfTUU
Over all, I think that the teachers at the school where I volunteer are doing a wonderful job. There hasn't been a teacher yet that hasn't touched my children's life in a positive way. I do believethough, that our educational system needs a general overhaul.
As far as my experience volunteering at the Elementary School, there are too many requests for bathroom breaks and drinks from the water fountain. The room gets noisy and they have to be reminded to pick up their things and put their chairs away but all in all, the classroom is a wonderful place to be. At almost 40 now, I think It's too late for me to go to college to be a teacher, but I will volunteer at the local elementary school as long as they will let me. It keeps me young, reminds me to wash my hands as long as I sing the whole Happy Birthday song, cough into my sleeve and always use hand sanitizer.
I have volunteered at a local elementary school over the years and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I truly believe that I missed my calling by not going to college to be a school teacher. I'm not sure how good of a teacher I would have been, but I think I could have been a better person being a teacher. I know that teachers teach children but I suspect that in return children teach the teacher in ways they never even imagined. Yes there are disadvantages. When I am finished at the end of my volunteer period, the first thing that I want to do is disinfect myself. In fact just today, a young person was coughing, sneezing and wiping his nose into his hand. I reminded and encouraged him to keep his little germs to himself, and even offered him a Kleenex. He just looked at me and said "NO" and went on with his business..... then without forewarning, this little person sneezed in my face. Before walking out of the classroom, I lathered myself in hand sanitizer and ran for the front door. Then there's the puke, the boogies, the smells and of course the worst of worse.....LICE. There are kids that you just look at and it makes your head itch. I may sound callous saying that but we all know that it's true. It's not their fault but lice is lice and if it it's you or one of your kids that get it, it's a job to get rid of it. Another disadvantage to being a teacher is not being able to offer help to the children who need it. How do you walk a way at the end of the day from children that you suspect are being abused or who aren't being fed or kept clean. How do you go home at the end of your day and live your life? How do you "let it go" when you know a child is being bullied and aren't being supported at home? How do you let children leave the school building in bad weather, not dressed properly, knowing they have no one to come home to? It would be very difficult for me not to get personally involved.
There is so much joy in watching a child learn to read, helping them understand a math concept and then watching them do it on their own. The excitement in their eyes once they see that they accomplished something is unexplainable. Listening to children teaching one another is yet another great joy. Seeing and hearing the children "fill each others bucket" as a teacher put it, is a sight to see. At the end of the day each child is asked to say 3 things nice to another student. You hear anything from "Your shoes are pretty" to "the way you hold your pencil is cool". No matter what the compliment is my observation is that the children are eager to fill each other's buckets.
There are classrooms full of amazing minds. Most often young children are still open minded and understand that life is full of possibilities. When asked questions, their answers are intelligent, creative and entertaining. They have an answer for everything. There never seems to be that awkward silence like you may get with a teen that feels fear of giving the "wrong answer". Younger children often answer in ways I forgot how to think.
There are things that I would change. It is sad to me that there are so many expectations of the teachers today. Not only expectations from parents but expectations from the local school boards, our State and our President. Teachers are forced to move from subject to subject whether children grasp concepts or not just to meet certain goals. Some times they revisit that subject and some times they do not. One of the goals is to prepare the students for standardized testing. Subjects that are not on the tests are often put on the back burner for "if we have time". Teachers also seem to be limited in their approach to teaching. Their style might vary a little from one to the next but over all how they teach seems to be consistent from grade to grade. There are three basic types of learning styles. The three most common are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. To learn, we depend on our senses to process the information around us. Most people tend to use one of their senses more than the others. How are today's teachers addressing each type of learner? If I were a teacher and had the ability to do things differently, I would incorporate sound, color and hands on experience to every subject. I personally think we are obligated to find out how these children learn and teach them accordingly. If we don't I feel we are doing them an injustice. Could this be why there are so many children falling below state standards in testing?
I would also provide exercise balls for the classroom. Recently, exercise balls have been replacing standard seating in classrooms in Europe and North America. What are the results?
Students enjoy sitting on them
Concentration improves
Excess energy is burned off
Students become more physically fit
Builds abs
Less noiseRead more: http://student-health-issues.suite101.com/article.cfm/no_more_classroom_chairs#ixzz0RwksfTUU
Over all, I think that the teachers at the school where I volunteer are doing a wonderful job. There hasn't been a teacher yet that hasn't touched my children's life in a positive way. I do believethough, that our educational system needs a general overhaul.
As far as my experience volunteering at the Elementary School, there are too many requests for bathroom breaks and drinks from the water fountain. The room gets noisy and they have to be reminded to pick up their things and put their chairs away but all in all, the classroom is a wonderful place to be. At almost 40 now, I think It's too late for me to go to college to be a teacher, but I will volunteer at the local elementary school as long as they will let me. It keeps me young, reminds me to wash my hands as long as I sing the whole Happy Birthday song, cough into my sleeve and always use hand sanitizer.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Where Is My Little Girl?
I remember exactly that it was third grade when the light in my child started to dim. It was subtle, but I saw it. Little by little she started to change and before I knew it, a new little person had emerged. She was still very special, she just wasn't so full of life, so full of possibilities. She became limited in her thoughts, less confident in her abilities. She felt like she had less friends and could be less of a friend her self. The walls around her became much smaller and she went from roaring like a lion to sometimes being as quiet as a church mouse.
Of course she stopped considering me as "The Mother of the Year" and looked at me as if I had the plague. She came home one day from a friend's house and asked me why we were so poor? Life wasn't the happy place she had once thought and according to her she had gotten the short end of the stick. Her father and I were heart broken. Our "sunshine" had turned into a perpetual rain cloud and was determined to remind us of that every day of our life. She had her own personal struggles to contend with such as growth and development, school friendships and a little sister wanting to be by her side. But as every year passed, the distance grew and the light dimmed darker. Where is my bright eyed, happy go lucky baby girl? I almost can't see her any more? Where is the little girl who would call out to strangers who were frowning and not stop until they would smile? Where is my little peanut who would dance around the living room until she would fall down so tired that she would fall fast to sleep? Where is my little princess who loved to sing ABBA s Dancing Queen wearing what you would call my "hippie clothes"? I miss her dearly!
Now my daughter is turning 12 next week and is in middle school. She may love me but I accept that right now she does not like me. I'm OK with that. I will not always be here to protect her so as her parent I need to teach her how to take care of her self. If that makes her unhappy while doing so then so be it. I have today, I may not have tomorrow. Our children are only with us for a short time. Whether she likes me or not I am not going to give up on her.
Unfortunately I haven't seen the light return to her eyes and I am more worried about her now then I have ever been but I do believe in her true potential. The next 7 years of her life will be some of the most difficult years of her life. There will be challenges, temptations, and lots of tears. I hope my daughter knows that she has it within herself to withstand it ALL. I hope that she knows that she has people who love her, behind her, supporting her every step. I hope she knows that even though that she doesn't like her Mother, that her Mother loves her unconditionally without question. I hope she knows that her Mother remembers who she is at the core and knows that little girl with perseverance has never left. I hope she knows that even though her Mother has seen the years take a toll on her that her Mother has also recognized the good that has come from those years and that SHE BELIEVES IN HER!
I love you my sunshine to infinity, love Mom.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Day w/o Kids!
My husband and I had the luxury of spending the day together without our children. It felt like we were playing hooky. I honestly don't remember the last time Tom took a vacation day while the kids were in school so we could spend time together. In the past, we have always been in the middle of a remodel of some sort and that is where the bulk of Tom's vacation time has been spent. Those circumstances were usually unpleasant for both of us.
It was different this time, we were both relaxed, yet excited to see what the day would bring. It was beautiful outside and I felt like a young woman on her first date. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I put on a little make-up, made sure I didn't wear sweat pants, curled my hair and off we went in the Jeep with the top down. Destination unknown, just free as free could be. No complainers in the back seat. Great music, no forced conversation, the chill of Autumn air and the beautiful sun. It doesn't get much better than that. Oh wait yes it does..... add to that a low fat vanilla latte and it sweetens the deal.
Yes we talked about the kids but we could talk openly, we could agree to disagree and we could finish a conversation unlike at home surrounded by two sets of ears. We weren't forced to make any heavy decisions. We shared a blueberry scone that wasn't very good but, for some reason sharing it with Tom made it taste all that much better.
We took the long way every where we went, ran errands that turned out to be fun.... just because, and then we just enjoyed being. Having time together before the school bell rang. No, there wasn't a first kiss or anything hot and steamy but better yet, there was giggling and real laughter.... something we haven't done together in a very long time.
We have a long way to go to get back to the way we used to be, but it felt so nice to meet Tom again. I haven't seen him for a long time.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Body Odor....Why Me, Why Now?
For as long as I can remember I have not had body odor (BO). Or should I say, for as long as I remember I have not smelled my body odor nor has any body else complained about my body odor.
Just recently I have picked up on my own scent and the scent was not pleasing. It wasn't just after I had been exercising but also from me just existing. So, I changed deodorants, deodorant soaps and scrubbed a little more and a little harder. Still the same issue. Why was this happening to me? This was not acceptable. I'm just not that person who can except their personal scent as a natural perfume. If I can't stand the smell I'm assuming someone else can't either. I again changed deodorants and soap only to have the same outcome. I showered more, changed more and got some really great perfume which by the way does not totally cover up BO.
I decided to research why a woman in her late 30's might develop this new scent and what to do about it. There are a lot of reasons why body odor occurs however I suspect that the reason it is happening to me is because I may be in Peri-Menopause or it could be a reaction from a medication. I found the other possible reasons to be very fascinating so that is why I made this the subject of my Blog.
Possible Causes of BO
Alcohol
Caffeine
Bacteria present in the sweat
Strong medicines
Smoking
Prolonged illness
Diseases, like kidney problems, liver problems etc
Skin problems
Gastrointestinal problems
Stress
Bacteria present in the sweat
Strong medicines
Smoking
Prolonged illness
Diseases, like kidney problems, liver problems etc
Skin problems
Gastrointestinal problems
Stress
Weak metabolism
Fungal infection
Deficiency of zinc mineral, cavities, toxins, etc
Poor hygiene
Heredity factors
Certain foods and beverages, like hot beverages, spicy foods, etc
Menopause - Peri Menopause
Low levels of male hormones
Low blood sugar or hypoglycemia
Overactive thyroid or hyperthyroidism
Fungal infection
Deficiency of zinc mineral, cavities, toxins, etc
Poor hygiene
Heredity factors
Certain foods and beverages, like hot beverages, spicy foods, etc
Menopause - Peri Menopause
Low levels of male hormones
Low blood sugar or hypoglycemia
Overactive thyroid or hyperthyroidism
Over Abundance of Refined Sugar
Sweating
Fever
Drinking Soda out of Plastic Bottles (One leading cause of estrogen dominance)
Now that I have listed possible causes for BO I want to share with you some of the ways you can prevent the scent. If you are a BO sufferer like me and choose to try one of the methods involving ingestion, I suggest checking with your physician especially if you are currently on a medication, vitamin or herb.
How to Prevent BO
Steam Baths
Crystal Deodorants (Check health food stores or on-line)
Baby Wipes to frequently freshen area inflicted
Make Wipes with a combination of Alcohol and Witch Hazel (use under Arms instead of deodorant).
Alum
Baking Powder (Kills bacteria)
Radishes (Juice about 2 dozen, add 1/4 tsp. glycerin. Put in squirt bottle)
Rosemary (Antibacterial herb. Use 8-10 drops of essential oil into 1 oz distilled water. Put in spray bottle and use where you have BO)
Use deodorant Soap (Not foo foo stuff)
Avoid Synthetic Fibers
Scrub with tomato juice (Use 3 cups)
Clean and Febreeze your clothing.
Wear breathable and loose clothing
Add supplements like Magnesium, Chlorophyll tablets, Vitamin A, B and Zinc.
Stress about it less
Don't eat white flour
Avoid Onions, Garlic, Spicy and Oily foods
Avoid Meat
Use Anti Bacterial Soap made with Lemongrass
Use a Mixture of Vinegar and Alcohol
Apply Apple Cider Vinegar (On neck and under arms to control sweat).
Use Hydrogen Peroxide 3% (Under arms or on feet to kill bacteria).
Use Peanut Butter (Under your arms every night to control perspiration. MY FAV
Tea Tree Oil (2 drops essential oil to 1 oz. of water where needed)
I have tried deodorant soap, adding supplements, watching refined sugars, the crystal, using vinegar and hydrogen peroxide. The vinegar and hydrogen peroxide seemed to work at taking the odor away but I can't tell you how long it would last. I have not given it ample time before putting on traditional deodorant. With a busy schedule I don't want to experiment at the risk of BO. I'll save that for a lazy stay-at-home weekend.
I do know that the crystal deodorant does work. It takes a couple of days for your body to adjust but once it does, it works well. Be aware that if you let someone else use it, you might as well trash it. It must work with your body's chemistry so if someone else uses it, it throws it off and doesn't work as well for you. My next venture will be the essential oil sprays.
Well, if my BO is due to Per-Menopause then I will have a whole host of other fun things to look forward to. Thank you for reading my blog. Happy Sweating!
The above information was ascertained from several reputable websites and medical references. I suggest further research or contacting your physician if you have a serious case of BO. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)