Between a husband and wife

I had a very sad conversation with my husband this morning. In fact, I can barely type this without crying. Even though this is very personal to me I felt that I needed to share my feelings about it with you because I know there are others going through some of the very same things that I am.
For what seems like the hundredth time over the last few years, I asked my husband why there is so much distance between us? Basically, why are we just going through the motions? There is no connection other than the kids. As I shared in a previous blog, there was one day a couple of weeks ago that he and I spent together that gave me hope, but since then there has been nothing, not even a glance.
My husband answered me in a defensive way. He said that I am always negative and that I am never feeling good. There were other reasons as well but they fell under the category of the two. As he answered I had to keep asking him to look at me rather then the wall. I felt betrayed by his answers. Just recently I had confided in him that I was having a rough time with the way I had been feeling. I had told him that I was struggling with not feeling well on a daily basis and how I was feeling about my general outlook. That day I felt like I had just spilled my darkest secrets to someone who wasn't listening to a word a I had said. I don't even recall a response from him. So hearing him use my not feeling well and my negativity as a reason for his distance hurt me deep to my core. I had reached out to him asking him for help, telling him that I wanted to be better and instead he was using my weaknesses against me.
I am feeling bitter about what he has said about me never feeling well. I'm tired of it as well and if I could change it I would in a heart beat. He is supposed to be my life partner and he would rather not hear about it than deal with it. In all the years that I have had the disease Chiari, he has gone to 1 if 2 appointments with me. I can't even be sure if he understands what I have or what I am going through. I have never felt he has been an advocate for me in any sense of the word. He feels that he has, but his idea of that is getting me medication or an ice pack. Although I do appreciate that, what I need from him goes so much deeper.
My husband is right when he says that I am more negative. I am especially more negative when it comes to him, now more then ever. I have worked really hard at keeping our marriage together through the years but I have grown tired. I feel like I have been carrying the load for years and it has finally caught up with me. In the past I have kept a positive face and now I'm blunt and realistic. My husband obviously does not prefer that side of me.
Today our conversation got cut short, although I'm not sure there was anything more to say. What makes me really sad is that I feel that even if I felt better or acted more positive, I don't think things would be better for us. I am heartbroken - but heartbroken only because we never seem to be able to get over this hump. There always seems to be something in the way of our happiness. As I've gotten older I've come to believe that if you wanted to be happy you would make it happen, so I question why it isn't happening for us? Does not both of us want the same?
I know when our marriage started its demise...... it was when I left my income earning career to be an at-home mother 8 years ago. I will go to my grave believing that no matter what my husband proclaims. Even though it was a decision we both made, that is when everything changed between us.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I can only hope for a happy ending, but history tells me it will either be more of the same or life in a knew direction.

Chiari is not my friend, yet

I have a Chiari Malformation Type 1. You may have never heard of it. I know that I had no clue what it was when my doctor called me and diagnosed me with it. An MRI showed an abnormality of the cerebral tonsils, part of the cerebellum of my brain. I understood her to say that there was part of my brain that was sticking out of the opening of my skull. I'm sure that was not what my doctor really said but that is how I interpreted it at the time. I remember thinking "great, now I have to tell my husband that I'm a freak of nature!". I was in shock. My doctor was going to set up an appointment with a neurosurgeon for a consult. Of course I looked up every everything I could find about Chiari and became my own advocate. I had plenty of time on my hands to educate myself and plan for the what ifs. I had to wait 4 weeks to get in which felt like an eternity. My crisis wasn't any bit more important than anyone elses. I had been waiting for ten years to be diagnosed. I had been suffering with chronic headaches for what seemed to be a lifetime. In recent years I had developed vertigo, left sided body weakness, tingling and pain. I had severe hip and leg pain. I was seeing flashing colors and seeing objects coming at me that weren't even there. The last straw for me was when I blacked out while I was with my two children. After that I set out on a mission to find out what was wrong with me. I had seen doctors before but all of my tests including neuro exams were unremarkable. The MRIs shown an area deep in the brain that concerned the radiologist but in the end was diagnosed as being just space. Nothing apparently was wrong with me and the sometimes disabling pain that I was experiencing must have been all in my head - (literally as I came to find out later on).

Chiari malformation is a condition in which brain tissue protrudes into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small or misshapen, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward. Chiari malformation is uncommon, but improved imaging tests have led to more frequent diagnoses. The adult form, called Chiari malformation type I, develops as the skull and brain are growing. As a result, signs and symptoms may not occur until late childhood or adulthood. Treatment of Chiari malformation depends on the form, severity and associated symptoms. Regular monitoring, medications and surgery are treatment options. In some cases, no treatment is needed. Headaches, often severe, are the classic symptom of Chiari malformation. They're typically precipitated with sudden coughing, sneezing or straining. People with Chiari malformation type I also can experience:
Neck pain (running down the shoulders at times)
Unsteady gait (problems with balance)
Poor hand coordination (fine motor skills)
Numbness and tingling of the hands and feet
Dizziness
Difficulty swallowing (sometimes accompanied by gagging, choking and vomiting)
Vision problems (blurred or double vision)
Slurred speech
Less often, people with Chiari malformation may experience:
Ringing or buzzing in the ears (tinnitus)
Poor bladder control
Chest pain, in a band-like pattern around the chest
Curvature of the spine (scoliosis) related to spinal cord impairment
Abnormal breathing — specifically, sleep apnea characterized by periods of breathing cessation during sleep In some people, Chiari malformation can become a progressive disorder and lead to serious complications. In others, there may be no associated symptoms, and no intervention is necessary. The complications associated with this condition include:
Hydrocephalus. This accumulation of excess fluid within the brain may require placement of a flexible tube (shunt) to divert and drain the cerebrospinal fluid to another area of the body.
Paralysis. This may occur due to the crowding and pressure on the spinal cord. Paralysis tends to be permanent, even after treatment with surgery. Syringomyelia. Some people with Chiari malformation also develop a condition called syringomyelia, in which a cavity or cyst (syrinx) forms within the spinal column. Although the mechanism connecting Chiari malformation with syringomyelia is unclear, it may be associated with injury or displacement of nerve fibers in the spinal cord. When a cavity forms, it tends to be filled with fluid and can additionally impair the function of the spinal cord. The diagnostic process begins with your doctor taking your medical history and with a complete physical examination. Your doctor will ask whether you're having symptoms such as head and neck pain, and will ask you to describe them. He or she will also check your fine motor skills and swallowing ability.
If you have symptoms such as head pain, and the exact cause isn't apparent to your doctor, you'll likely undergo a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan of your skull, which is the definitive diagnostic tool for Chiari malformation. Using magnetic fields and radio waves, this test produces 3-D, high-resolution images of structural abnormalities that may be contributing to your symptoms. It can also provide pictures of the cerebellum and determine whether it extends into the spinal canal. A dye or contrast medium can be injected, and once it travels to your brain, it can enhance the MRI images. An MRI is a safe and painless test. Over time, repeat MRIs can be used to monitor the progression of this disorder. Your doctor may use other imaging techniques as well. For example, your doctor may recommend a computerized tomography (CT) scan, which uses X-rays in conjunction with a computer to produce precise, sectional images of the bone tissue that surrounds the spinal column.Treatment for Chiari malformation depends on the severity and the characteristics of your condition. If you have no symptoms, your doctor likely will recommend no treatment other than monitoring with regular examinations. When headaches or other types of pain are the primary symptom, your doctor may recommend pain medication. Some people experience symptom relief with anti-inflammatory or pain-relieving agents, such as indomethacin (Indocin). This approach may prevent or delay the need for an operation. Reducing pressure by surgerySurgery is the approach doctors use most often to treat symptomatic Chiari malformation. The goal is to stop the progression of changes in the anatomy of the brain and spinal canal, as well as ease or stabilize symptoms. When successful, surgery can reduce pressure on the cerebellum and the spinal cord, and restore the normal flow of spinal fluid. In the most common operation for Chiari malformation — called posterior fossa craniectomy or posterior fossa decompression — your surgeon removes a small section of bone in the back of the skull, relieving pressure by giving the brain more room. The covering of the brain, called the dura, is then opened, and a patch is sewn in place to enlarge the covering and provide more room for the brain. This patch may be an artificial material, or it could be tissue harvested from your own leg or neck. The exact technique may vary, depending on whether a fluid-filled cavity is present, or if you have hydrocephalus. The operation takes about two to three hours, and recovery in the hospital usually requires two to four days. Risks and follow-upThe use of surgery carries risks — the possibility of infection or problems with wound healing. Discuss the pros and cons with your doctor when deciding whether surgery is the best alternative for you. The operation reduces symptoms in most people, but if nerve injury in the spinal canal has already occurred prior to surgery, this procedure won't reverse the damage. After the operation, you'll need regular follow-up examinations with your doctor, including periodic imaging tests to assess the outcome of surgery and the flow of cerebrospinal fluid. Information provided by www.mayoclinic.com

I went to my neuro consult educated about my condition, with a list of questions and most importantly with a support person. My neurosurgeon, whom I ended up respecting, was upfront with me and told me that I only had a 50% chance of resolving my symptoms with the surgery. After much contemplation I chose sugery because for me, it was a quality of life issue. When I blacked out while being a lone with my children, I knew that I had to try to be better. Before scheduling the surgery my Neurosugeon required a psych eval to make sure that I was a surgical candidate. He wanted to make sure that I was mentally compitent for a surgery of this calibar. Did I have a support system afterwards? If there were complications would I be able to handle it emotionally? At the time, I felt this was fairly odd but looking back I can appreciate why he required this. My suggestion to the Neurosurgeon now would be - require counseling post recovery which is much more of a challenge.

I thought I knew everything I needed to know going into surgery. I signed my life away and off I went. During the prep, the nurse did scare me a bit when she said that I may wake up at some point during the surgery. She said do not panic, that there would be gel over my eyes so that the tape holding them in wouldn't stick. She also said I would have goggles on. She said I would be in an upside down position and that I would have small metal rods in my temples, holding my head in place. I felt fear at that point...... count backwards 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5 and then the surgery was over, 6 hours later. I woke up in ICU with the worst headache I had ever had in my life with a handsome male nurse changing my catheter. I didn't take the time I should have to recover. I had two little girls that depended on me. Due to financial restraints my husband didn't take any time off of work. My mother came as much as she could. I looked scary, half my head was shaved and I had a 5 inch insicion that ran from the top of my neck to the top of my occiput. I was stapled together and it didn't look pleasant to look at. The girls were afraid so it was my goal to be as normal, as possible as quick as possible.

As the months went by I felt better and better. Most of my symptoms were gone. At my post surgical visit, the Neurosurgeon said that the herniation was worse then the MRI had shown and that as soon as he decompressed the area it restored the flow of the cerebral spinal fluid. The cerebral tonsils were still herniated but the pressure had been released. The surgery had worked. 6 months later my headaches returned. An MRI showed no post complication of the surgery and that the area was still decompressed. The neurosurgeon said I was apparently now a migraine sufferer. Within 2 years post-op I had all the symptoms return except the black outs. 5years post op which brings me to today, I am the same as I was 2 years ago except I have new symptoms. I have trouble swallowing, I have devloped a twitching in my left eye and I have far more bad days then good. I have awful nausea and digestive issues that come and go without notice. The nausea is apparently the 4th venticle, the nausea center of the brain being affected by the pressure as a secondary issue from the Chiari. My post surgical neck is stiff and painful everyday. The muscles were cut during the surgery. There may be scar tissue that can cause the pain and or nerve pain. The neurosurgeon suggested building the muscles in the upper body to prevent further injury. He suggested Isometric ecercises for the neck and lap swimming for my upper arms and trap muscles. He also suggested always protecting my neck from the cold which would intensify my discomfort. The neurogurgeon suggested not doing anything that caused me pain and the tasks that I have to do so that it's comfortable. For example, while reading a book I have to hold it equal to my eyes so that my neck is not tilted down. He basically told me that I had to modify my life to live with what I have. He suggested I try to avoid another surgery in order to prevent more scar tissue which would only create more pain and nerve damage.

I see a neurologist every 3-4 months who monitors my chiari but mainly focuses on my daily headaches. He believes my Chiari is not an issue. He feels that I am a migraine sufferer and tells me that once a migraine sufferer, always a migraine sufferer. Finding the cause is likes like finding a needle in a haystack. Apparently it could be almost anything - once you have migraines anything can trigger them. When he told me this at my last appointment I immediately felt tears well up in my eyes and tingles in my stomach. I felt like he was telling me that I didn't know anything and that he was throwing me in a category of "catch alls". Frustration overwhelmed me because Chiari research shows that low lying cerebral tonsils itself cause symptoms. And that is where it stands today. I have tried to get into a Chiari Clinic but my HMO will not approve the testing required for the consult. So for now I have decided to take it one day at a time. The good thing is.... things could be so much worse. I have daily headaches but most days they are managbale. On the days they aren't I may have to shut down but I get through. There are days my neck feels so painful that I feel I can't carry my head on top of my head, but I'll get through it. My body hurts most days but I'll get through it. I don't feel sorry for myself....... I feel sad for my girls. Most days I don't feel like running around with them, or riding bikes, or even going anywhere. Until recently I haven't let them have friends over to our house because the noise just echos in my already painful head. They have had to pay the price for my pain and that makes me feel incredibly sad. Having Chiari has been life changing in many ways. I've decided that I have to find a way to make it into a positive experience. I can't let the pain defeat me. I have to find a way to make Chiari my close and personal friend. :)

Me....

If you ask me a question, you will get an honest answer. It's very rare that I won't share with you things about my personal life. I am an open book. I don't think my husband accepts this about me, but it is who I am. As I have gotten older, I have realized that I rather you know the truth from me than another version of the truth from someone else.

I have strong opinions and I will share them with you as I have in these blogs. I am open to what you have to say. I try to have a sense of humor but I realize that not everyone else finds humor in what I have to do or say. I am misread often. My intentions are always good but because I may not always use the "right words" I may offend. For that I am sorry.

I see the goodness in you even if you don't see the goodness in yourself. If you need to know how special you are just ask me and I will tell you. I look for the goodness in all situations because I must. Life is a continual challenge and if I didn't look for goodness I wouldn't thrive. Please don't ask me to be fake or change the way I feel to accommodate you. If you do, you are asking me to be some one else other than myself. I will not ask that of you either. Respect me and I will respect you. Thank you for getting to know me.

Illana

If I were Teacher

* The objective of this blog is to point out the advantages and disadvantages of teaching from my perspective as a volunteer and a parent.

I have volunteered at a local elementary school over the years and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I truly believe that I missed my calling by not going to college to be a school teacher. I'm not sure how good of a teacher I would have been, but I think I could have been a better person being a teacher. I know that teachers teach children but I suspect that in return children teach the teacher in ways they never even imagined. Yes there are disadvantages. When I am finished at the end of my volunteer period, the first thing that I want to do is disinfect myself. In fact just today, a young person was coughing, sneezing and wiping his nose into his hand. I reminded and encouraged him to keep his little germs to himself, and even offered him a Kleenex. He just looked at me and said "NO" and went on with his business..... then without forewarning, this little person sneezed in my face. Before walking out of the classroom, I lathered myself in hand sanitizer and ran for the front door. Then there's the puke, the boogies, the smells and of course the worst of worse.....LICE. There are kids that you just look at and it makes your head itch. I may sound callous saying that but we all know that it's true. It's not their fault but lice is lice and if it it's you or one of your kids that get it, it's a job to get rid of it. Another disadvantage to being a teacher is not being able to offer help to the children who need it. How do you walk a way at the end of the day from children that you suspect are being abused or who aren't being fed or kept clean. How do you go home at the end of your day and live your life? How do you "let it go" when you know a child is being bullied and aren't being supported at home? How do you let children leave the school building in bad weather, not dressed properly, knowing they have no one to come home to? It would be very difficult for me not to get personally involved.
There is so much joy in watching a child learn to read, helping them understand a math concept and then watching them do it on their own. The excitement in their eyes once they see that they accomplished something is unexplainable. Listening to children teaching one another is yet another great joy. Seeing and hearing the children "fill each others bucket" as a teacher put it, is a sight to see. At the end of the day each child is asked to say 3 things nice to another student. You hear anything from "Your shoes are pretty" to "the way you hold your pencil is cool". No matter what the compliment is my observation is that the children are eager to fill each other's buckets.
There are classrooms full of amazing minds. Most often young children are still open minded and understand that life is full of possibilities. When asked questions, their answers are intelligent, creative and entertaining. They have an answer for everything. There never seems to be that awkward silence like you may get with a teen that feels fear of giving the "wrong answer". Younger children often answer in ways I forgot how to think.
There are things that I would change. It is sad to me that there are so many expectations of the teachers today. Not only expectations from parents but expectations from the local school boards, our State and our President. Teachers are forced to move from subject to subject whether children grasp concepts or not just to meet certain goals. Some times they revisit that subject and some times they do not. One of the goals is to prepare the students for standardized testing. Subjects that are not on the tests are often put on the back burner for "if we have time". Teachers also seem to be limited in their approach to teaching. Their style might vary a little from one to the next but over all how they teach seems to be consistent from grade to grade. There are three basic types of learning styles. The three most common are visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. To learn, we depend on our senses to process the information around us. Most people tend to use one of their senses more than the others. How are today's teachers addressing each type of learner? If I were a teacher and had the ability to do things differently, I would incorporate sound, color and hands on experience to every subject. I personally think we are obligated to find out how these children learn and teach them accordingly. If we don't I feel we are doing them an injustice. Could this be why there are so many children falling below state standards in testing?
I would also provide exercise balls for the classroom. Recently, exercise balls have been replacing standard seating in classrooms in Europe and North America. What are the results?
Students enjoy sitting on them
Concentration improves
Excess energy is burned off
Students become more physically fit
Builds abs
Less noiseRead more: http://student-health-issues.suite101.com/article.cfm/no_more_classroom_chairs#ixzz0RwksfTUU

Over all, I think that the teachers at the school where I volunteer are doing a wonderful job. There hasn't been a teacher yet that hasn't touched my children's life in a positive way. I do believethough, that our educational system needs a general overhaul.
As far as my experience volunteering at the Elementary School, there are too many requests for bathroom breaks and drinks from the water fountain. The room gets noisy and they have to be reminded to pick up their things and put their chairs away but all in all, the classroom is a wonderful place to be. At almost 40 now, I think It's too late for me to go to college to be a teacher, but I will volunteer at the local elementary school as long as they will let me. It keeps me young, reminds me to wash my hands as long as I sing the whole Happy Birthday song, cough into my sleeve and always use hand sanitizer.

Where Is My Little Girl?

I remember exactly that it was third grade when the light in my child started to dim. It was subtle, but I saw it. Little by little she started to change and before I knew it, a new little person had emerged. She was still very special, she just wasn't so full of life, so full of possibilities. She became limited in her thoughts, less confident in her abilities. She felt like she had less friends and could be less of a friend her self. The walls around her became much smaller and she went from roaring like a lion to sometimes being as quiet as a church mouse.

Of course she stopped considering me as "The Mother of the Year" and looked at me as if I had the plague. She came home one day from a friend's house and asked me why we were so poor? Life wasn't the happy place she had once thought and according to her she had gotten the short end of the stick. Her father and I were heart broken. Our "sunshine" had turned into a perpetual rain cloud and was determined to remind us of that every day of our life. She had her own personal struggles to contend with such as growth and development, school friendships and a little sister wanting to be by her side. But as every year passed, the distance grew and the light dimmed darker. Where is my bright eyed, happy go lucky baby girl? I almost can't see her any more? Where is the little girl who would call out to strangers who were frowning and not stop until they would smile? Where is my little peanut who would dance around the living room until she would fall down so tired that she would fall fast to sleep? Where is my little princess who loved to sing ABBA s Dancing Queen wearing what you would call my "hippie clothes"? I miss her dearly!

Now my daughter is turning 12 next week and is in middle school. She may love me but I accept that right now she does not like me. I'm OK with that. I will not always be here to protect her so as her parent I need to teach her how to take care of her self. If that makes her unhappy while doing so then so be it. I have today, I may not have tomorrow. Our children are only with us for a short time. Whether she likes me or not I am not going to give up on her.

Unfortunately I haven't seen the light return to her eyes and I am more worried about her now then I have ever been but I do believe in her true potential. The next 7 years of her life will be some of the most difficult years of her life. There will be challenges, temptations, and lots of tears. I hope my daughter knows that she has it within herself to withstand it ALL. I hope that she knows that she has people who love her, behind her, supporting her every step. I hope she knows that even though that she doesn't like her Mother, that her Mother loves her unconditionally without question. I hope she knows that her Mother remembers who she is at the core and knows that little girl with perseverance has never left. I hope she knows that even though her Mother has seen the years take a toll on her that her Mother has also recognized the good that has come from those years and that SHE BELIEVES IN HER!

I love you my sunshine to infinity, love Mom.

Day w/o Kids!

My husband and I had the luxury of spending the day together without our children. It felt like we were playing hooky. I honestly don't remember the last time Tom took a vacation day while the kids were in school so we could spend time together. In the past, we have always been in the middle of a remodel of some sort and that is where the bulk of Tom's vacation time has been spent. Those circumstances were usually unpleasant for both of us.

It was different this time, we were both relaxed, yet excited to see what the day would bring. It was beautiful outside and I felt like a young woman on her first date. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I put on a little make-up, made sure I didn't wear sweat pants, curled my hair and off we went in the Jeep with the top down. Destination unknown, just free as free could be. No complainers in the back seat. Great music, no forced conversation, the chill of Autumn air and the beautiful sun. It doesn't get much better than that. Oh wait yes it does..... add to that a low fat vanilla latte and it sweetens the deal.

Yes we talked about the kids but we could talk openly, we could agree to disagree and we could finish a conversation unlike at home surrounded by two sets of ears. We weren't forced to make any heavy decisions. We shared a blueberry scone that wasn't very good but, for some reason sharing it with Tom made it taste all that much better.

We took the long way every where we went, ran errands that turned out to be fun.... just because, and then we just enjoyed being. Having time together before the school bell rang. No, there wasn't a first kiss or anything hot and steamy but better yet, there was giggling and real laughter.... something we haven't done together in a very long time.

We have a long way to go to get back to the way we used to be, but it felt so nice to meet Tom again. I haven't seen him for a long time.

Body Odor....Why Me, Why Now?

For as long as I can remember I have not had body odor (BO). Or should I say, for as long as I remember I have not smelled my body odor nor has any body else complained about my body odor.

Just recently I have picked up on my own scent and the scent was not pleasing. It wasn't just after I had been exercising but also from me just existing. So, I changed deodorants, deodorant soaps and scrubbed a little more and a little harder. Still the same issue. Why was this happening to me? This was not acceptable. I'm just not that person who can except their personal scent as a natural perfume. If I can't stand the smell I'm assuming someone else can't either. I again changed deodorants and soap only to have the same outcome. I showered more, changed more and got some really great perfume which by the way does not totally cover up BO.

I decided to research why a woman in her late 30's might develop this new scent and what to do about it. There are a lot of reasons why body odor occurs however I suspect that the reason it is happening to me is because I may be in Peri-Menopause or it could be a reaction from a medication. I found the other possible reasons to be very fascinating so that is why I made this the subject of my Blog.

Possible Causes of BO

Alcohol

Caffeine
Bacteria present in the sweat
Strong medicines
Smoking
Prolonged illness
Diseases, like kidney problems, liver problems etc
Skin problems
Gastrointestinal problems
Stress

Weak metabolism
Fungal infection
Deficiency of zinc mineral, cavities, toxins, etc
Poor hygiene
Heredity factors
Certain foods and beverages, like hot beverages, spicy foods, etc
Menopause - Peri Menopause
Low levels of male hormones
Low blood sugar or hypoglycemia
Overactive thyroid or hyperthyroidism

Over Abundance of Refined Sugar

Sweating

Fever

Drinking Soda out of Plastic Bottles (One leading cause of estrogen dominance)

Now that I have listed possible causes for BO I want to share with you some of the ways you can prevent the scent. If you are a BO sufferer like me and choose to try one of the methods involving ingestion, I suggest checking with your physician especially if you are currently on a medication, vitamin or herb.

How to Prevent BO

Steam Baths

Crystal Deodorants (Check health food stores or on-line)

Baby Wipes to frequently freshen area inflicted

Make Wipes with a combination of Alcohol and Witch Hazel (use under Arms instead of deodorant).

Alum

Baking Powder (Kills bacteria)

Radishes (Juice about 2 dozen, add 1/4 tsp. glycerin. Put in squirt bottle)

Rosemary (Antibacterial herb. Use 8-10 drops of essential oil into 1 oz distilled water. Put in spray bottle and use where you have BO)

Use deodorant Soap (Not foo foo stuff)

Avoid Synthetic Fibers

Scrub with tomato juice (Use 3 cups)

Clean and Febreeze your clothing.

Wear breathable and loose clothing

Add supplements like Magnesium, Chlorophyll tablets, Vitamin A, B and Zinc.

Stress about it less

Don't eat white flour

Avoid Onions, Garlic, Spicy and Oily foods

Avoid Meat

Use Anti Bacterial Soap made with Lemongrass

Use a Mixture of Vinegar and Alcohol

Apply Apple Cider Vinegar (On neck and under arms to control sweat).

Use Hydrogen Peroxide 3% (Under arms or on feet to kill bacteria).

Use Peanut Butter (Under your arms every night to control perspiration. MY FAV

Tea Tree Oil (2 drops essential oil to 1 oz. of water where needed)

I have tried deodorant soap, adding supplements, watching refined sugars, the crystal, using vinegar and hydrogen peroxide. The vinegar and hydrogen peroxide seemed to work at taking the odor away but I can't tell you how long it would last. I have not given it ample time before putting on traditional deodorant. With a busy schedule I don't want to experiment at the risk of BO. I'll save that for a lazy stay-at-home weekend.

I do know that the crystal deodorant does work. It takes a couple of days for your body to adjust but once it does, it works well. Be aware that if you let someone else use it, you might as well trash it. It must work with your body's chemistry so if someone else uses it, it throws it off and doesn't work as well for you. My next venture will be the essential oil sprays.

Well, if my BO is due to Per-Menopause then I will have a whole host of other fun things to look forward to. Thank you for reading my blog. Happy Sweating!

The above information was ascertained from several reputable websites and medical references. I suggest further research or contacting your physician if you have a serious case of BO. :)

Dysfunctional Family....says who?

I am part of one of the most dysfunctional families I know and I'm proud to admit to it. Growing up, I did everything possible to keep my friends away from the truth of what my family life really looked like. I wanted everyone to think that I came from a somewhat normal life and could do the same kind of things that my friends could. I wanted to be invited to sleepovers, be liked by the kids at school and join the basketball team. I would have my parents drop me off a block or two away from any where I was to meet friends. I never had friends over and sometimes I would create my own fashion trends by cutting apart clothes to come up with some new idea since I couldn't afford what the other kids were wearing. Every car, when we had one either didn't have a muffler or was the ugliest, most embarrassing car a kid could have ever been seen in. To to top it off my Dad would pull up to someone I knew, rev the engine and skid the tires just to embarrass me. I would be plastered on the floor as he would laugh. Can you imagine a 1960's rusted play-dough blue AMC Gremlin with a door that wouldn't latch?
As I think back as I write this I see a cartoon of me trying to crawl over a wall with all these hands pulling me back down. The hands represent my family and obviously I'm trying to escape. It makes me laugh now but I can guarantee it would not have made me laugh then.
I am the 5th child of 6 separated and later divorced parents on welfare. There were 4 girls and 2 boys. Life was tough or so I thought. My parents could not stand to be in the same room together and there was a lot of fighting most of the time. When I was very young it felt like we had nothing. Most everything we had was used. We shopped the local thrift shop instead of the local mall and groceries were bought with with food stamps. We ate a lot of fried potatoes and catsup which is still one of my favorites today. Chicken gizzards were steak to me. We drank water as a staple and powdered milk was a luxury. My Mom made everything from scratch. You were not allowed to be picky. I remember being the kid at school who always brought the healthy snack that no one ever ate. One birthday mom didn't have any flour to make a birthday cake so she made it out of popcorn and molasses with some type of cocoa frosting. It was the best cake ever even though she had to use a saw blade to cut it.
Unfortunately growing up in my family the main focus was survival, having enough to eat, being clothed, transportation, keeping us from getting sick and getting 6 kids to school. Apparently there was not enough time to teach us how to plan for a future or encourage us to dream of what we might want to do. Instead we grew up with the goal to graduate high school and get out of the house, nothing more and nothing less. Each of us probably had our own individual reasons but I'm sure one of them was to escape the fighting. Even after my parents got divorced there always seemed to be fighting over one thing or another.
As adults it seems as if we have all carried a little of our childhood into our adult life. Looking at all 6 of us today we are all in or have had some type of drama, big or small. None of us have ventured far, none of us have a 4 year college degree and most of us have been in troubled relationships. I am not saying we have failed or that our parents are to blame. I am simply pointing out that I believe the foundation you build for your children may impact your child's future.
My family is dysfunctional for many reasons but I am proud to say that through all these years we have become some amazing people because of what we have gone through.
We had very little back then, but because of that both of my parents can grow a garden and store food like know ones business. My Mom can make anything out of nothing and make it look like a treasure or taste like the best thing you've ever tasted. My parents are survivors. I'm happy to tell you that they are both happily remarried to the loves of their life and can finally get along with each other. My oldest sister learned gardening and food storage from my parents and can survive on practically nothing. She's resourceful, wastes nothing and is extremely artistic. My other sister has a take charge attitude when necessary and has a very warm and caring heart. My oldest brother has been a baker for at least 20 years, has a strong work ethic, is also artistic and is a great father. My other sister is a hardworking professional that has worked her way up promotion after promotion. She is the bread winner of her household and is very nurturing. My younger brother travels the world by the seat of his pants with no fear and yet successfully works in a hair salon as one of the top designers. He has a very loving heart. Me..... I know that at the core I have the ability to love unconditionally and I know that it came from the foundation that my parents provided me. None of us live like the Rockefeller's but we do know how to make our paychecks stretch. That gift was given to us by our Mother. You should see what she can do with ten dollars.
The other thing that I would like to mention about my dysfunctional family is that through it all I know that we love each other very much. At times we may not like each other over sometimes silly things but we move on and get over it. We love unconditionally and I'm confident that if any one of us needed help we would all be there.
Yes Mom and Dad some of our upbringing was a drag to put in mildy but looking back I wouldn't change it. ah.... maybe I'd go back to high school and pay attention a little more but other than that, I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't gone through what I did. To my dysfunctional family, I love you all.

Love & Fear

Do you think it is possible that there are only two core emotions and that all other feelings derive from that? It is said that those two emotions are love and fear. Being happy, sad, angry, rude, passionate, just to name a few stem from love and fear. Is it possible that when we feel hatred that we are only feeling that way because we are fearing something? Do you think when we feel jealous we are only feeling that because we are fearing whatever we have or don't have? Love is the easy emotion because I think most of you will agree that love takes many forms and that it is easy to except the thought that feelings that are good come from a place of love.

The fear association is the idea that I think some of you may have difficulty excepting. It may be hard for someone who doesn't particularly care for another person to accept the thought that fear may be at the root of the feeling. Another way to consider this is that the fear may not be towards the person but of ourselves just reflected through the relationship. Another thought is do we fear our own mortality and show it through negative emotions towards others that allow us to? Maybe that is why there are people out there that are just not so kind?

As a parent thinking in terms of all emotions deriving from love and fear it is easier to have patience with my children when they act out. I am more compassionate when I think in terms that they are coming from a place of fear rather than being naughty just to be naughty. I think the situation through in a different way and try to respond from a place of love. I am far more effective handling the situation like this than I am responding from a place of my own fear.

Consider all emotion from the perspective above. When someone is treating you from a place of fear, counteract from a place of love and see what happens. It may be well worth your time. Good Luck.

Wife of a Fireman

This blog is a letter that I've needed to write to my husband. I want to share it with you. Dear Tom, I haven't told you what a struggle it has been to be the wife of a Fireman. I also haven't told you how proud of you I am that you are a Fireman. I haven't told you that I am lonely when you work your 24 hour shifts and a second job. I haven't told you that I am thankful that I can stay home to raise our children. I haven't told you that there have been many sleepless nights when I have laid awake and worried about you as I listened to the sirens. I haven't told you that I have laid awake and wondered what would I do if I left you? I haven't told you that there have been times that I have been so angry that I have almost felt hatred. I haven't told you that I love you so much. I haven't told you that I am sad that you've missed so many of your children's firsts. I haven't told you that I'm thankful that you helped a little child. I haven't told you that I can't forgive you for not coming home when I was sick but I haven't told you that I'm so glad you held that woman's hand as she passed away. I haven't told you that I am so mad that you are never home. I haven't told you that I am so grateful we have a home and food on our table without question. I haven't told you that when I look into our children's eyes I see all the time we've missed with them. I haven't told you that when I look at our children, I see you and me and what is good. I haven't told you that being the wife of a Fireman can be a lonely place but I'm sure not as lonely as being a Fireman. I haven't told you how proud of you I am. Thank you for what you do. I love you.

Be Your Own Advocate

All to often we leave our doctors appointment with our head spinning trying to make sense of what the doctor just told us. Is the pain that I am feeling really all in my head? Am I imagining it all? She must think I'm crazy! I must be because the doctor says that I'm fine, "make an appointment with me for your physical next year" she says as she pats me on the shoulder and leaves the room.

Blood tests and other scans confirm that I'm "within normal limits" and the letter telling me so says that if I have any questions that I should contact the office. I should feel happy that I'm healthy but I am not. I'm disappointed that my tests are normal because I'm tired of feeling pain for no supposed reason.

So where do I go from here? I feel in my gut that something isn't right. I experience this pain everyday. It is real to me and it affects everything that I do in my daily life. For me it's a quality of life issue. I can manage the pain at times but I don't want to use over-the-counter medications on a daily basis. Complimentary medicine helps but it does not fix the root of the pain. I want to find the source of the pain so that I know if and how I can treat it. I don't want to just managing the pain.

I now understand why so many people get addicted to pain medications. When you are in chronic pain and you can't find help from a doctor you start to question yourself. When the pain worsens, your mood worsens as well. You're not the person you used to be because you don't function the way you used to. You don't feel supported by the medical community and possibly your family and friends if they can't relate so you become anti-social. Pain meds are the only things that bring some type of normalcy.

I'm writing about this to encourage those of you who are in chronic pain to become your own advocate and not give up on yourself. Your pain is real. If you feel something that is not right and your physician is telling you everything is fine, don't give up until you are satisfied with the results. I know that health insurance and finances may limit some of the things that you can do but it can't limit your research and it can't limit you reaching out to others for support. You are not in this a lone. There are so many of us in the same situation.

When I say be your own advocate I want to stress that you should not give up on your self at the expense of another persons opinion. Listen to your body. You know your self and your body better than any body else does. If you know that something is not right, don't give up searching until you find out what the problem is. Open your mind to the possibilities when considering why something might be happening. Start a journal. Write down everything you do for a minimum of a month so that you can track what you are doing. What are you eating? Are you exercising? Where are you spending your time? How are you feeling during that time? Be the detective on your own case. Look at your own family history. Have you ever filled out a lengthy family history form for a new doctors appointment only to be taken back before you were done and the nurse says "don't worry we'll get that from you after the doctor sees you"? Duh, wouldn't you think the doc should look at it before he saw you??????

Once you have gathered all of your journal information, family history, your symptoms and narrowed it all down. Research any possibilities. Educate yourself on any of the suspected injuries or illnesses that you think you might have. Then make your appointment with the appropriate doctor. Have it with your supporting documentation. Your journals - family history and questions. Ask specific questions about the injury or illness you suspect. Ask for the tests that relate to it and then ask about treatment. Don't back down and consider a second opinion.

In regards to pain control, I don't feel like people should have to be in pain but I don't believe people should be over medicated either. I believe that we should always find and fix the source of pain instead of just covering up the pain with medication. If we can't or won't find the source of pain then I think we should use alternative methods for pain relief as much as possible and then supplement with pain meds when necessary. My biggest gripe is when people can't get help finding why they are having pain and are told nothing is wrong or are just told to pop a pill and get over it. My second biggest gripe is when people who are not in pain expect people who are in chronic pain to "deal with it" and my third biggest gripe is that people in chronic pain are supposed to look like they are in pain. Apparently if you look good on the outside you can't be suffering on the inside. Note to self: When your head is going to explode don't take a bath, wear no make-up, don't comb hair and wear dirty clothes. Correction, I believe that most chronic pain sufferers still function and do it quite well. It's just behind closed doors is when they break down or have to recover from the days activities and have to prepare to do it all again the next.

Thank you for listening to my gripes. My main message is to PLEASE BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE! (can you tell I feel strongly about this?)

7 Chakras of Color

I told you that I would write more on Chakras so here is my perspective on what they are. Again I will remind you that there are many opinions about this subject. I encourage you to form your own from your personal experience and research if you choose to do so.

I feel that I have seen my Chakras as well as others'. When I am giving a Reiki session I often see color when my hands are over the area in which the Chakra are said to be located. The base color of the Chakra is always the same but it may vary in shade depending on its condition. If the Chakra is moving as it should the color is beautiful and bright. If it is not moving or is sluggish the color is dull and murky. Sometimes if the Chakra is over stimulated the color that I see is almost so bright that it is neon and glowing. Occassionaly I will see multi-colored Chakras but once in balance they return to their normal color.

I will briefly discuss the characteristics of the 7 main Chakras.

The Root Chakra is located in the perineum at the base of the spine. The glandular connection is the cortex of the adrenal gland. The color of the Chakra is red and the Root Chakra's quality represents survival. It resonates to the musical note C. Gemstones: ruby, bloodstone and hematite. The sensory experience is smell.

The Sacral Chakra is located two inches below the naval and two inches inches into the pelvis. The glandular connection is the ovaries / testes. The color of the Chakra is orange and the Sacral Chakra's quality represents well-being, sexuality, sensuality, pleasure and abundance. It resonates to the musical note D. gemstones: Carnelian, tiger's eye, onyx. The sensory experience is taste.

The Solar Plexus Chakra is located directly below the sternum and over the stomach. The glandular connection is the pancreas. The color of the Chakra is yellow and the Solar Plexus's quality represents self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, personal power and freedom of choice. It resonates to the musical note E. Gemstones: topaz, citrine and amber. The sensory experience of the Solar Plexus is vision.

The Heart Chakra is located in the middle of the chest. The glandular connection is the thymus gland. The color of the Chakra is green and the Heart Chakra's quality represents remembering the good, love and caring. It resonates to the musical note F. Gemstones: rose quartz, diamond and peridot. The sensory experience is touch.

The throat Chakra is located at the internal and external throat. The glandular connection is the thyroid and parathyroid glands. The color of the Chakra is blue (some see turquoise) and the Throat Chakra's quality represents will, communication, creativity, truthfulness and integrity. It resonates to the musical note G. Gemstones: Turquoise, blue agate and aquamarine. The sensory experience is hearing.

The Brow Chakra (I call it the Third Eye) is located between the eyebrows. The glandular connection is the pituitary gland. The color of the Chakra is Indigo and the Brow Chakra's quality represents wisdom, imagination, intuition and knowledge. It resonates to the musical note A. Gemstones: sapphire, tanzanite and lapis lazuli. The sensory experience is mindful knowing and intuition.

The Crown Chakra is located at the top of the skull. The glandular connection is the pineal gland which secretes melatonin and other hormones known to affect tranquility, sleep and light sensitivity. The color of the Crown Chakra is Violet and the Crown Chakra's quality represents grace, beauty, serenity and oneness with all that is. It resonates with the musical note B. Gemstones: Amethyst and alexandrite. The sensory experience is bliss.

There is an abundance of information available to you about Chakras on line or in your local library. I have only given you the basic information. You will find that each Chakra contains so much more. For example each Chakra is said to have an astrological association, mythological animal, aspect of intelligence, positive and negative archetype.

If your curious as to how your Chakras are working, use a pendulum and hold it about 2-4 inches above the location of the Chakra. If the pendulum is not moving, chances are your Chakra is not moving energy. If the Pendulum moves clockwise or counter clockwise it is moving. Don't panic if your Chakra is not moving, it is not life threatening. Consider seeing a Reiki Practitioner or research that specific Chakra and look for ways to stimulate the Chakra on your own.

Have fun learning. :)

I Love Tomatos!

Oh so Few Friends......

I have very few friends and I'm OK with that. It's hard to be a friend when you are a Mother to children and a Wife to your husband. When I speak of "being a friend" I'm referring to that old saying, "you have to be a friend to have a friend". Maybe that is why I have so few friends. My family comes first and then what little time I have left is for caring for myself, friendship and volunteering. I have lost good people in my life whom I thought were my friends and weakened current friendships because of this personal conviction. But I am true to the fact that I made a commitment the day I got married and had my first born, that is where I need to put my energy. I must admit it would be a lot more fun to focus on friendship, spend my days out for coffee, have adult conversation, shop and be available to help a friend in need without any kind of schedule conflict or babysitting dilemma. Sounds wonderful doesn't it?



Now in my late 30's I'm enjoying having just a handful of close friends, each very different and special in their own way. For the most part I think they understand my philosophy on family coming first and except all the other little quirky things about me. They know that I don't like to answer my phone. Or that at times I can talk for hours on end if you let me but if I'm having a bad week that I need my space. I'm not good with writing letters or on time with thank you notes and I'm a last minute planner. The best part about true friendship is that it's unconditional.



As far as all the other wonderful people that I know in my life..... I get to know them, enjoy who they are and experience things with them and move on. Maybe I will see them again and maybe I will not. Some leave lasting impressions, some even change my life but most often they are people just passing through my experience of life. So thank you to my truest of true friends who love me for who I am. I love you for you. Thank you to everyone that goes through life with me - you are all a blessing.

Where Is Your Energy?

I am fascinated with using energy therapy to promote self healing of the body. As a Practitioner of The Healing Arts I have training in Reiki as well as other forms of Eastern Medicine that stress the importance of the consistent flow of energy throughout the body in order to sustain optimum health and well being. Most of you would probably agree that everything is made of energy. In theory everything has some type of vibration. Some things vibrate at a faster rate than other things. I feel that our emotions are energy and that negative emotions have a slower vibration than positive thoughts. Happy thoughts are vibrations moving at a fast vibration. It is the same way for illness or dis-ease in the body. When there is an infection or injury in the body the energy is often more dense and vibrating at a slower vibration in the area of the body that has been inflicted. When the body is in good health the energy in the body is moving freely and vibrating at a moderate to high level.

You might question how someone can measure the vibration of the energy? There may be a scientific way to do it that I am not aware of but the way that I have been trained is to feel it with my hands and through my senses. I believe that anyone can do it but that there are some that are just more sensitive to it. Have you ever had an experience in which you met someone and you just had an uncomfortable feeling about them? You may have been picking up on their energy. Their energy may have been vibrating at a level that your energy was sensitive to.

It is my opinion that most dis-ease in the body starts with energy that gets stagnant in the body. For many reasons such as emotional or physical, energy stops moving and starts to build up. Another way to look at it would be your lymphatic system. With all things being energy, your lymphatic system does not have any pumps. It operates and depends on you to keep it moving. Your physical movement keeps your lymphatic system operating the way it should. If you stop moving your lymphatic system becomes sluggish possibly not working as effective as it's potential. The outcome could become dis-ease. The same holds true for the energy system. Whether it has to do with our emotions or our physical body, if our energy is not moving the way inwhich it was intended there is potential for dis-ease.

Unlike you lymphatic system your energy body does have hundreds of energy vortexs called Chakras. They are said to look like spinning colored wheels. There are 7 larger Chakras that practitioners use to balance the body's energy. Each of the 7 Chakras correlate with the endocrine system. Each Chakra associates to colors, emotion, gemstones, tones and scent.

As a Practitioner of The Healing Arts I look to see if an individuals energy is balanced or not. If it isn't I find where the energy is blocked and then balance it throughout the entire body. There are many different practices used to balance the energy but the foundation that I use is a Japanese Practice called Reiki. With Universal Life Energy I use my hands in combination with Japanese symbols to balance the energy. I may incorporate a pendulum to show the individual where the energy is blocked. Depending on the individual I may also incorporate gemstones, color and scent to help activate a Chakra if necessary. The Reiki experience is different for everyone. The individual is fully clothed during the treatment and can be in any position as long as they are comfortable and able to relax. I use my hands to feel the energy on the body and above the body. The individual receiving treatment may feel a warm vibration at times and at other a cool feeling. Some people chose to close their eyes during the treatment and report seeing colors. Some may chose to stay fully alert during the session and talk during the entire time. I encourage my clients to relax, enjoy the experience and join in on encouraging their body to self heal whatever it may need to emotionally or physically.

Reiki is gentle but effective for many ailments but also for regular self care. I encourage you to learn more about Reiki or other energy therapies that may be available to you. There are a lot of really good books at your library that can help educate you about your energy body as well. There are a lot of different perspectives out there so don't get frustrated. My motto is that you should go with what feels right and what works for you. I also want to point out that I don't feel that Reiki should replace the care of a physician but it does compliment it nicely.

Take Care of Your Self.......

Take care of your Self today. Think of what that means for you. Is it eating a healthier diet? Is it slowing down or taking time to read your favorite book or take a relaxing bath? Whatever it is take the time to do it. It may feel selfish but I am urging you to do it. You will be better for others if you nourish your Self. I know that if I am feeling well that I can be a better person for my family. My head is more clear, I speak with a soft voice, I can be a better listener and I can love deeper all because I've nurtured my Self first. For me, nurturing my Self is taking the time to feed my brain. Learning something new in a subject that interests me. Exercise, creating artwork or something as simple as lighting a scented candle can boost my spirit. I encourage you to start today. Do something for your Self today. Make time in your schedule to do something that will bring out the beautiful you.

The Gift of a Dog

One of the best things that I have ever done for myself was to get a dog. Yes they are a lot of work but at the end of the day no one will ever be as loyal to you as your dog. I have heard all the complaints and I know them well. Yes, dogs are smelly, they are hairy and yes dogs bark and chew. My argument back is in many ways humans aren't much different but with training those less desirable traits can be controlled. Unlike the rest of my family, my dog is always waiting for me to come home. He's excited to see me, listens to me intently, follows my commands, appreciates that I feed him and loves when I give him a bath. He also protects me from harm, warms my feet and and makes me laugh. Dogs are a lot of work but in return they give your heart so much more. Consider giving yourself or someone you love the gift of a dog. I encourage you to visit your local animal shelter.

Have you looked into your child's eyes and ever thought to yourself, I know I can do better for them? I have many times. There have been many times I have said something or done something without thinking, maybe because I was busy at the time or distracted at that moment and didn't stop to give my child the time they deserved. It's that split second right after I said what I did and couldn't take it back that I see the light quickly go out in my child by answering in the voice that I did, with the tone that I used or the body language that spoke volumes. Sometimes there are no "do overs" and what is done is done. For us what seems trivial sometimes marks our children for a lifetime. If you are a parent like me who has realized the impact she has already made on her children, lets slow down together and breathe before we answer our precious gifts from God. We only have them in our life for a short while.

Take a Look....

Have you looked around lately to notice how many unhealthy, unhappy looking people there are around you? I attended several Labor Day events this past weekend only to notice that more than half of the people I saw appeared to look and feel miserable. It appeared that they were having difficulty being mobile and that they were uncomfortable in the mild weather that we were in. It was hard to whiteness. It wasn't only adults that were in the condition that I speak of it was children as well. I think that was the hardest of all to watch. Why should children be suffering of ill health or unhappiness? You might be questioning as to whether or not I am judging these individuals just by observation? In all fairness I may be, however when people are frowning, swearing, crying or are speaking in words of plain misery what other assumption would you make? The goal of this blog is not to poke fun of unhappy, unhealthy people but instead to raise awareness. Why is there so much of this out there and is there anything we can do as a society to help it stop? Is being unhealthy and unhappy an individual choice or is it becoming a social epidemic? Look around you and see whether you feel that there is a problem. There are to many people suffering. What can we do to change this problem? Let's start a discussion and come up with ideas as to what we can do to help one another. Where do you think the problem starts? Do you think it's chronic pain? Weight? Stress? Not being able to find help? Financial Issues? As a society, what do you think we can do to best help the overall problem? This blog is meant purely to open your eyes to your surroundings and open all of our minds to what we can do to join forces and to help one another. Never forget to extend a hand and pay it forward. :)