I had a very sad conversation with my husband this morning. In fact, I can barely type this without crying. Even though this is very personal to me I felt that I needed to share my feelings about it with you because I know there are others going through some of the very same things that I am.
For what seems like the hundredth time over the last few years, I asked my husband why there is so much distance between us? Basically, why are we just going through the motions? There is no connection other than the kids. As I shared in a previous blog, there was one day a couple of weeks ago that he and I spent together that gave me hope, but since then there has been nothing, not even a glance.
My husband answered me in a defensive way. He said that I am always negative and that I am never feeling good. There were other reasons as well but they fell under the category of the two. As he answered I had to keep asking him to look at me rather then the wall. I felt betrayed by his answers. Just recently I had confided in him that I was having a rough time with the way I had been feeling. I had told him that I was struggling with not feeling well on a daily basis and how I was feeling about my general outlook. That day I felt like I had just spilled my darkest secrets to someone who wasn't listening to a word a I had said. I don't even recall a response from him. So hearing him use my not feeling well and my negativity as a reason for his distance hurt me deep to my core. I had reached out to him asking him for help, telling him that I wanted to be better and instead he was using my weaknesses against me.
I am feeling bitter about what he has said about me never feeling well. I'm tired of it as well and if I could change it I would in a heart beat. He is supposed to be my life partner and he would rather not hear about it than deal with it. In all the years that I have had the disease Chiari, he has gone to 1 if 2 appointments with me. I can't even be sure if he understands what I have or what I am going through. I have never felt he has been an advocate for me in any sense of the word. He feels that he has, but his idea of that is getting me medication or an ice pack. Although I do appreciate that, what I need from him goes so much deeper.
My husband is right when he says that I am more negative. I am especially more negative when it comes to him, now more then ever. I have worked really hard at keeping our marriage together through the years but I have grown tired. I feel like I have been carrying the load for years and it has finally caught up with me. In the past I have kept a positive face and now I'm blunt and realistic. My husband obviously does not prefer that side of me.
Today our conversation got cut short, although I'm not sure there was anything more to say. What makes me really sad is that I feel that even if I felt better or acted more positive, I don't think things would be better for us. I am heartbroken - but heartbroken only because we never seem to be able to get over this hump. There always seems to be something in the way of our happiness. As I've gotten older I've come to believe that if you wanted to be happy you would make it happen, so I question why it isn't happening for us? Does not both of us want the same?
I know when our marriage started its demise...... it was when I left my income earning career to be an at-home mother 8 years ago. I will go to my grave believing that no matter what my husband proclaims. Even though it was a decision we both made, that is when everything changed between us.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I can only hope for a happy ending, but history tells me it will either be more of the same or life in a knew direction.
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