I remember exactly that it was third grade when the light in my child started to dim. It was subtle, but I saw it. Little by little she started to change and before I knew it, a new little person had emerged. She was still very special, she just wasn't so full of life, so full of possibilities. She became limited in her thoughts, less confident in her abilities. She felt like she had less friends and could be less of a friend her self. The walls around her became much smaller and she went from roaring like a lion to sometimes being as quiet as a church mouse.
Of course she stopped considering me as "The Mother of the Year" and looked at me as if I had the plague. She came home one day from a friend's house and asked me why we were so poor? Life wasn't the happy place she had once thought and according to her she had gotten the short end of the stick. Her father and I were heart broken. Our "sunshine" had turned into a perpetual rain cloud and was determined to remind us of that every day of our life. She had her own personal struggles to contend with such as growth and development, school friendships and a little sister wanting to be by her side. But as every year passed, the distance grew and the light dimmed darker. Where is my bright eyed, happy go lucky baby girl? I almost can't see her any more? Where is the little girl who would call out to strangers who were frowning and not stop until they would smile? Where is my little peanut who would dance around the living room until she would fall down so tired that she would fall fast to sleep? Where is my little princess who loved to sing ABBA s Dancing Queen wearing what you would call my "hippie clothes"? I miss her dearly!
Now my daughter is turning 12 next week and is in middle school. She may love me but I accept that right now she does not like me. I'm OK with that. I will not always be here to protect her so as her parent I need to teach her how to take care of her self. If that makes her unhappy while doing so then so be it. I have today, I may not have tomorrow. Our children are only with us for a short time. Whether she likes me or not I am not going to give up on her.
Unfortunately I haven't seen the light return to her eyes and I am more worried about her now then I have ever been but I do believe in her true potential. The next 7 years of her life will be some of the most difficult years of her life. There will be challenges, temptations, and lots of tears. I hope my daughter knows that she has it within herself to withstand it ALL. I hope that she knows that she has people who love her, behind her, supporting her every step. I hope she knows that even though that she doesn't like her Mother, that her Mother loves her unconditionally without question. I hope she knows that her Mother remembers who she is at the core and knows that little girl with perseverance has never left. I hope she knows that even though her Mother has seen the years take a toll on her that her Mother has also recognized the good that has come from those years and that SHE BELIEVES IN HER!
I love you my sunshine to infinity, love Mom.
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